He is Risen!

I hope everyone had a good Easter! Mine was exciting… I went to church, talked with my friends, had a big dinner with my grandparents and some of my aunts, uncles, and cousins. It was nice to talk and actually participate in the conversations, whereas sometimes I am either not feeling well, or just too shy to speak up.

Things have been going pretty well. I’m on a 1/2 dose of the Florinef, and I had some blackouts and tachycardia as we adjusted the dose, but things seem to have leveled out. I think my heart races when I stand up more often with the decrease, but its not bad.

I got my first car! Its a 2003 Subaru Forester, and I’ve quickly fallen in love with it. Its much easier to drive than the van my dad has been teaching me in, and it feels like a perfect fit for my small body. Sometimes it feels surreal when I’m driving, I was afraid that I would never be able to drive or have anything resembling independence. Even just having my own car keys is mind blowing to me, being able to see them and hold them in my hands.

I love that the interior is tan, not grey. I’m finding myself hyper sensitive to colors (along with music, lighting, tv shows, ect.) I’m still struggling a bit with my mood, and I easily slip into a state of depression, especially in the evenings. I’m not sure if its hormonal, as my blood tests have been off recently. Or perhaps I’ve lost my mind. I’m afraid that I’ve been irreparably damaged from being sick and isolated for so long.  I’m afraid that I’ll always be struggling to find happiness and purpose, even if my health continues to improve and I’m able to have a normal life again. I’m afraid that even if my “dreams” come true, I get a job, make close friends, get married, have a family… That I’ll still being crying myself to sleep at night. Feeling worthless, ugly, dirty. My feelings are so complicated and I can’t sort them out. I’m trying to find the source of these feelings, so that I can correct the problem.. but I can’t. Its not just one thing, or one event that caused them. They’re all tangled together like spaghetti, or like the roots of plant. So instead of fighting to untangle them, I’m trying to set the mess aside and focus on God. It feels like I’m constantly at war with my mind and emotions, and its exhausting. I’m so tired of trying to figure it out.

I’m excited to say that I have my first job interview at a nearby Lowe’s in the morning! My cousin even helped me pick out an outfit. I’m trying to hold on to the positive things, and praise God for all the blessings He is giving me. I’m really hoping to get a job as soon as possible, I think that being out of the house, being around people again, and doing something productive will allow my mind to begin to heal.