Surprise!

Its been a long time since my last post! I’ve been so busy, and so much has happened. As always I mean to sit down and write, but other things take priority, and sometimes blogging just gets tossed to the side.

To start… I met the love of my life last summer!

Andrew and I met in the most random way, (a friend’s sister’s graduation party), and have been together for 5 months now. It honestly feels so much longer. From the moment we met, Andrew and I were instantly comfortable like long lost old friends, and he is definitely the answer to many of my prayers.

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I never thought I would find a guy (christian or otherwise) who wouldn’t be put off by my health problems… but Andrew doesn’t seem phased in the least by my medical history. He takes everything in stride, and is constantly caring for and encouraging me both physically and spiritually. He makes me feel 100% safe and comfortable, even though most men terrify me so much that I struggle to talk and make eye contact. And whats more, he has lived right around the corner from me for years.

I’m simultaneously in awe of God’s planning, and ashamed of my own disbelief. While I admit that I’m still struggling spiritually, seeing God’s faithfulness in bringing us together has changed my perspective alot. ❤

My health has been “manageable-ish” since my last post, but I had an unexpected problem last summer shortly after meeting Andrew. (We had only known each other a couple of weeks at the time, but he handled it like a champ.) Basically… I started have swelling of my throat, tongue, and glands under my jaw. Trigger foods seem to be mostly dairy, red meats, nuts and seeds, chocolate, potatoes, and “junk food” of any kind.

I made an appointment quickly with my allergist who ruled out food allergies, ran some other tests, and concluded it was most likely mast cell related. She added 2 doses of zyrtec to my singulair and claritin, and I also take benadryl if i still manage to wind up with throat swelling. I have epi-pens available too, although thankfully I haven’t had a reaction severe enough to need them yet.

However this has caused a new problem, all those anti-histamines make me feel exhausted. Sometimes I really struggle to get through the day, and eating “high energy” foods for energy (my old stand-by) doesn’t seem to work anymore, instead it just makes me gain weight like crazy lol. Caffeine helps, but as I’ve mentioned before on this blog, caffeine is a nervous system stimulant and can be risky for POTS/Dysautonomia patients. I’ve accidentally had too much in the past and was extremely sick for days following, which makes me nervous about using it, especially on a daily basis.

It doesn’t help that I’m feeling extra pressure to be “functional,” because……. I adopted a horse! Not only does she need care, but I can’t afford to call in sick to work, I need every hour I can get, regardless of how i feel.

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That probably sounds really random to you guys (my handful of readers lol), I haven’t talked much about horses on this blog, but long story short, I’ve been in love with horses my whole life. I grew up riding and always wanted a horse of my own, but pretty much gave up on the idea when I became sick in my teens. I was too sick to even ride, let alone have a job to pay for a horse. I put it out of my mind, and pretty much forbid myself to think about horses while I was sick, it was too painful to think about yet another dream that wasn’t likely to ever happen.

Much to my surprise, my health started getting better a few years ago. I got a job, and have managed to keep it through the relatively mild ups and downs of my health. I started riding again, and decided that I wanted to get serious about having  my own horse. I know in the back of my mind that my health may someday crash, and I could loose my ability to work and therefore own a horse, but I don’t want to take this time for granted either. Right now i have the opportunity to live my dream, and I want to take it, even if it doesn’t last forever. I ended up falling in love with an ex-race horse named Ray, and adopted her from a local rescue, planning to hire the trainers at my barn to help with with re-training her since I don’t have the experience….

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However there have been several hitches to my plan….. first, the barn manager raised his prices dramatically only days after I had her trailed to the farm. Second, she has proved to be much more difficult to work with than my trainers originally thought. (She is hyper-sensitive to her surroundings, spooking at every tiny strange object and noise. She is too busy panicking and is too distracted by her own anxiety to pay attention to me or my trainers.) Third, my med related fatigue lately has been making it extremely hard to get to the barn. She is very sensitive and even the slightest change in her routine upsets her. We are starting to think that she is not a realistic match for me, or our family. Even my trainers are struggling with her and are both surprised, frightened, and frustrated.

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I’m heartbroken, but am considering taking her back to the rescue soon. This just isn’t working. She’s not a bad horse, she wants to please and tries really hard, she’s just too anxious to settle down and pay attention. She’s going to need much more professional training than we can afford, and will need a more consistent rider than I can be when my health goes up and down. Its a hard decision to make, especially around the holidays. 😥

I hope everyone has a good Christmas, and Happy New Year!

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