I’m finally graduating!!

This is a celebratory post! I finished my last online course today, and now I’m waiting for my final grade so I can get my GED.

I’m also studying to get my learners permit, and we are working on selling my pedal harp so that I can get my first car!

Last week my dad and I visited a nearby lesson and boarding stable.. I asked if I could start volunteering there (doing barn chores) to hopefully work towards getting a paying job. They said yes and I start (tomorrow) on Thursdays. Hopefully we will be able to work out another day so that I’m at least at the barn twice a week. In addition to gaining experience and references for a paying job, I want to see how my body handles the physical work. I’ve also been exercising daily to try and build up my strength and endurance. For those who don’t know me well, I was horse crazy growing up. I secretly still am horse crazy, although I tend to keep it to myself lol. Off and on when I became sick sometimes I would fantasize about what it would be like to ride again, work at a stable, or maybe even own my own horse someday. It seemed impossible that I would ever be feeling well enough to handle the physical work and stress, so this opportunity feels surreal.

I’m excited but also impatient. Part of me is terrified that this “good spell” is only temporary, I’ve had the carpet ripped out from under me so many times that I believe it’s traumatized me. I want everything “NOW,” just in case months or years down the road my world comes crashing in again. I’m trying to remind myself that I’ve been sick for a long time and need to have patience with myself. Rushing into things too quickly could backfire.

For example last weekend my dad and I went to a Prophesy Conference at a nearby Calvary Chapel church. It focused many topics such as the purpose of prophesy in the Bible, how Israel fits in to prophesies about the end times, the many prophesies that Jesus fulfilled, and creationism. There was even a messianic Jew from Jewish Voice Ministries who talked about how he got saved, and the Bible in general from a Jewish perspective. It was very good and my dad and I enjoyed it, however on the second day of the conference my dad and I went out to eat at a restaurant during the lunch break. I ordered what I thought was grilled chicken, but it turned out to be fried and battered. Annoyed, I picked off as much of the breading as possible and tried to just eat the chicken. I also had some potatoes with unknown seasonings, and I ate most of a piece of pie. My stomach felt funny for the rest of day, but I thought I was going to get away with it. Then the next morning I drank 1/2 a protein shake for breakfast and immediately started throwing up and having severe stomach pain. It was Sunday morning, and it was my turn to help out in children’s church, so I was really upset when my dad had to call and let the pastor know I couldn’t make it. For a little while I was terrified that somehow I had triggered a relapse by eating some questionable food, but I’ve been able to eat and drink fine since the incident. Hopefully I learned a lesson and I’ll be more careful with what I eat, even on special occasions.

It reminded me of how important it is to stay in touch with my doctors, even though I’m feeling relatively good at the moment. I met with my new primary recently and I was impressed! She reminded me alot of my old primary, she was kind, patient, and took the time to really listen and let me explain when necessary. She said that she has other patients with autonomic dysfunction, and she was willing to go out of her way to research my symptoms. My new GI doctor on the other hand has been rude and unprofessional, and despite his promises, we haven’t heard from him since our last appointment months ago. We are going to try again to find a new GI, since truthfully I’m still struggling to eat. I’m doing well off my tube, but I can only handle eating 1 meal a day, the rest of my diet needs to be liquid. If I try eating 2 meals a day my gut becomes sluggish and everything stops moving, even when I do my best to eat healthy, stay hydrated, and take an embarrassing amount of laxatives daily. Even if a new GI doctor doesn’t have any ideas, I want to keep in touch just in case things get worse.

I didn’t mean to leave things on such a negative note… Honestly I am feeling good, and I’m excited about suddenly having all these possibilities in front of me! I’m praying and trying to give these fears to God. I’m not the one in control, and worrying won’t gain me anything.

“Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? -Matthew 6:27″

Hello 2015 : )

First of all I want to wish everyone a happy New Year (and a belated merry Christmas!)

My last blog post probably warrants an explanation, so I’ll do my best to make sense of things : )

I was having constant blurry vision for about 3 weeks. Since it didn’t seem related to my migraines we made an appointment with my old primary (I have yet to meet my new doctor). She agreed it might be medication related, and said to try going off my Topamax and reducing my Metformin. Going off 2 medications at the same time probably wasn’t the best idea! Now we aren’t really sure which medication was causing the blurry vision, or which one gave me the severe withdrawal symptoms. Since I was on Topamax for years I’m guessing that the withdrawal symptoms were from the Topamax. The Metformin, however, was a new medication, so I’m guessing that the blurry vision was from the Metformin. It would be unusual I think to suddenly develop a side effect from the Topamax since I’ve been on it for years with no problems.

Anyway, as I went off the meds I started having severe anxiety. By severe, I mean SEVERE. I was shaking, throwing up, having diarrhea several times an hour (especially at night) purely from the anxiety. I have never felt fear so strong in my life. All I could think about for a week straight were my worst fears. I don’t mean spiders, or the dark, or the monsters under the bed, (although I admit I’m afraid of those things too). No, I’m talking about the fears that constantly live in the corners of your mind, whether you acknowledge them or not. The ones that quietly torment you during the day, and then crawl out of their hiding places to eat you alive at night. For me those are all fears about the future, or my perceived lack thereof.  What if I never get better? What if my dad dies since I can’t take care of myself? What if I never get married? What if I never make real friends again? What if I get better and manage to make friends, but then become homebound sick and loose them all over again? Can I keep enduring that kind of loss? What if I loose my sanity completely? What if I’m never able to do anything good with my life? What if I spend the rest of my life feeling lonely and worthless? And probably the worst of all – What if God abandons me too?

God spoke to me everyday that week in my devotions, and in a teaching at the end of the week too. We almost didn’t go to the Bible study. I wasn’t feeling good. My dad was tired. It was miserable out. It was a long drive. I sat there during the study resting my head on the table, doing my best to hide the occasional shaking, and hoping that I wouldn’t have to make a mad dash for the bathroom. But the message was the same as it had been all week. “Trust Me. Wait on Me. Even though its scary. Even though everything seems impossible. I am in control. I am faithful. I will never leave you. Don’t consider your present circumstances or your physical limitations, nothing is impossible for Me.”

I really hate it when people say “God will never give you more than you can handle.” That week was definitely more than I could handle. I don’t know about you, but sometimes God needs to break me. Not only am I cowardly, but I’m incredibly stubborn. Trust me, its not a good combination. I hold on to my fears with an iron grip. I’m “stubbornly afraid” if that makes any sense. God broke me that week, but it was the good kind of break. He simultaneously showed me how powerless I am, and how faithful He is. I finally said “Ok God, I give up! I’m not the one in control, You are.”

Since that week I’ve been feeling good. Really good. My vision is back to normal. My migraines are much milder than usual. My vomiting is gone and we were able take out my feeding tube, and my motility has improved enough for me to eat some solid food. My POTS symptoms are manageable. My sensitivity to flashing light is much better, so much that if it continues I might get my learners permit. Most of all, I have energy. For those familiar with the spoon theory, it feels as though I’ve gone from a handful of spoons a day, to more than I could be bothered to count.

Maybe going off the Topamax and reducing the Metformin made me feel better. Maybe It’s a normal fluctuation as my symptoms tend to ebb and flow. Or maybe this is God, and He’s just been waiting for me to surrender to Him. I don’t know whats going on, or how long this good spell will last, but I’m praising God and I intend to make the most of it. Not a bad way to start the new year!

Luke 1: 37 – For with God nothing will be impossible.