I have a confession to make. Normally I can’t stand the season of fall. I hate watching the leaves die and fall off the trees, until everything looks naked and bare. I hate feeling the air turn colder and colder with every passing day. I hate seeing stores flooded with Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas decorations all at once (and WAY too soon.). When I was little, I hated fall, because I knew it meant summer was over and I had to go back to school. When I got sick, I hated fall for the opposite reason. I had to watch from my bedroom window as all the neighborhood kids boarded the bus without me, missing my friends, and knowing they had moved on with their lives while I was trapped in limbo.
But this fall is different.
I turned 21 in September. We went out to dinner to celebrate, and I even mustered up the courage to try my first glass of wine!
I got my driver’s license, and drove myself to the barn (one of my favorite places) to celebrate!
I started college!
I’ve managed to get a job, and keep it, for over 6 months!
I’m even considering getting my own apartment next year, if things continue so well.
A year ago, if someone told me that I would accomplish all of this, I would have thought they were crazy. Last fall, I was on an NJ feeding tube, due to severe vomiting, and going out to eat for my birthday was out of the question. I couldn’t drive either due to blackouts caused by flashing light when riding in the car. I couldn’t work, and therefore college seemed like a pointless idea. I certainly never imagined I would have enough independence to consider getting my own place. I hated myself for being a burden on everyone else. I hated feeling useless and worthless, and I felt trapped with no way out.
This fall, things seem different. The cold air is a relief from the crazy summer we had. The trees are not dying, they are celebrating by bursting into vivid color. The decorations make me smile, and so does the smell of pumpkin spice everywhere I go (literally, its everywhere). I love waking up in the morning, and seeing the frost covering everything like lace.
As always, I’m a mix of emotions. I’m still struggling with depression, fear, and doubt. I’m still struggling to trust God, even with the basic things. Everyday is an exhausting mental, emotional, and spiritual fight. But finally, there’s something new. Maybe for once, there’s a little hope mixed in with the fear and doubt. Maybe for once, things don’t taste so bitter, and things don’t seem so colorless. Maybe for once, life altogether, doesn’t seem so pointless. Maybe for once, after all this time, God is up to something. Maybe someday this recipe will make sense.